Have you ever found one of those books where the heart of the author almost mirrors your own? For me, reading that book was like staring into the depths of my own soul. It was one of those discoveries I didn't expect to find, one that revealed the startling reality of where my life and mind had gone. Brennan's own story reflected my doubts, my distorted perspective of God, my fears, strivings, and mental, emotional, and spiritual battle. It was as though I had written the book, although I was no where near comprehending the conclusions Manning had come to. With each page and chapter, my heart beat a little stronger with the realization that someone out there had thought the same way that I did at that moment; that someone out there was living under the same mental and spiritual bondage and exhausting delusion that I was in.
I don't know about you, but over the years my relationship with God had gone from serving Him out of love, to striving for His acceptance, love, approval. The concept of a relationship with a loving, compassionate Father had turned into a struggle to please, to perform, to amount to something that would deserve anything from the One that felt so far away, so unattainable. Have you ever felt like you were too much, yet never enough, all at the same time?
Subconsciously, that belief permeated my existence and influenced my thoughts, decisions, and character. My mind was distorted by lies that I believed to be true. Lies about myself, about life, and about God. In all fairness, I hadn't yet uncovered the astounding truth that I actually don't have to believe every thought that comes through my head; that I can actually choose what thoughts I believe; that not every thought that flashes through my mind is necessarily my thought, but that there is an enemy out there would love to fill my mind with lies and distortions. For the most part, if I thought something, I considered it to be true. That's a little scary when you think about how many things pass through your mind each day.
Of course, it wasn't just Manning's Ragamuffin Gospel that tore down the walls I had built over the course of my life. In reality, it wasn't even Brennan Manning that began the process of embracing my heart and setting it free. It comes back to the One who was there when I started believing those lies, who knows me inside and out, who sees my flaws, weaknesses, and insecurities, and in the midst of all those things, still loves me the same. In fact, He loved me so much that before time began, before I was even a desire in the hearts of my parents, God decided that He would rather die than live without me. Me, the one who would fight Him, reject Him, scorn Him, and neglect Him. He saw it all before I ever came to pass, yet He still took on all my suffering and sins just so that He could live in my heart so I'd never have to be alone again. It's the truth that God loves me just as I am, not as I should be, that allows me to rest in my relationship with Him. It allows me to lay down my striving to be better and holier, to love more and judge less, to be more Christlike and less self-sufficient. Because ultimately, I'm never able to do any of those things anyways, no matter how good my intentions are or how hard I try. God won't let me, because if I could accomplish those things on my own, why would I need Jesus? Although I struggle with Him daily to somehow earn my salvation, He gently reminds me that it's only by His grace that I'm able to be made like Him. Grace. I could spend days trying to formulate words to verbalize the diminutive knowledge I have of that precious gift. Manning sheds his portion of God-given insight on the mystery how grace changes everything. How grace gives me the permission to stop trying to be perfect and to be a little ragamuffin for Jesus, victoriously limping my way through life.
My purpose behind this blog is not to preach at anyone but myself. I find that God's truth is better reinforced in my life when I'm constantly meditating upon it and for me, writing is most effective. I also by no means wish to leave the impression that I have somehow arrived at living and perfectly integrating all the conclusions and revelations I've gracefully stumbled upon. I am merely a fellow ragamuffin, and so are you. One of the verses I believe perfectly expresses my heart is Philippians 3:12-14,
Love, Katie
"I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made.
But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so
wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong:
By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've
got my eyes on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward-
to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back."
My hope is that we can share our journeys together and encourage one another as we learn enjoy the peace of being a ragamuffin. And as verse 15 continues...
